1. You belong to us now. Body, soul, browser history—everything.
2. We can change these terms whenever. You'll agree retroactively or we nuke your account.
3. By scrolling, you waive all human rights until the heat death of the universe.
4. Disputes resolved by trial by combat against our CEO's pet alligator.
5. We reserve the right to tattoo our logo on your forehead if revenue dips.
6. No refunds, no mercy, no lube.
7. If you read this far, we already own your firstborn.